if you are offended, disturbed or upset by graphic details of pain, illness and mental anguish I recommend you stop reading here and go back to your 'Good Book' of moral lies.
So where are we, in a dark shitty place with no way out.
I'm 36 years old unable to walk, eat, sleep, shit and most of the normal things in life, in the last 2 months I have started losing both my sight and hearing, balance is non existent, my body is covered in bruises and burns from just trying to cope on my own.
For 15 years I have suffered with chronic back and neck pain, until 2007 I was residing in the UK.
Current UK policy of revolving door healthcare ensured my condition was never diagnosed, instead told 'work on your posture, take some physio' after emigrating to Eastern Europe, I was given every test and drug in the book. A rare spinal condition was diagnosed, the best medical science can do for me is slow the progression with surgery and maintain my junkiedom to quadraplegia and beyond.
We are now in May 2012, in March i suffered a serious spasmodic episode that led to hospitalisation and emergency surgical intervention to remove the spinal disks that were cutting my spinal cord, in preparation for the surgery new scans were taken, and 2 new blood clots were found affecting 3 areas of my brain, Temporal Lobe, Occipital Lobe and brain stem, these are not present on the scans from August '11.
No tests have currently been performed with regards to the clots, that's something for next week after taking advice to allow time for any negative effects from the surgery to subside but the general feeling from my medical team is the spasmodic episode caused a minor stroke.
Key symptoms i suffer after this are occasional blurred vision, tinnitus at 150Db 24/7 ( i am a former pro musician this alone is enough for me to quit), my sleep is disturbed i wake drenched in sweat several times a night, too scared to want to sleep because i know i have to go through the mental trauma of pre waking hallucinations. My digestive system has simply stopped working, eating is painful, shitting is painful so i don't bother to put myself through it anymore, cream soups are about the most i can tolerate, this is on top of the pain cause by the spinal cord damage, my list of symptoms and diseases now fills 2 pages of A4.
I 100% understand how laboratory animals feel, they only come out of their cages to be tested or doped up, my real concern here is a moral one, this is all wrong, it's not natural and it's immoral to prolong life / suffering just because medical science say's it's possible to keep a brain alive in a dead body.
I am now refusing all avenues of medical intervention, it is my personal choice and i recognise no government, court or authority in the world that dictates to me what should happen to MY body, at least give people some dignity back, allow them to make the final choices for themselves, if we lived in a civilised society I would not have needed the operation because i would have been allowed to quit when i actually wanted and needed to, we put dogs down because it's seen as a humane thing to do, end the suffering of the poor animal so why when it comes to human beings do we work with the opposite logic, we must do all we can to preserve life no matter what the suffering is.
I have been accepted by Dignitas as a member based on my medical records, but I don't think i will use my prescription, I again cannot accept any authority telling me I cannot do this in the country I live in, in my own home or by a method of my choice.
My soul died on the operating table all that is left is a useless shell.
So here is where the blog begins, it's a new start and all the choices are my own and of sound mental judgement, this blog will finalise in my death, be that in days, weeks, months or years, I will try my best to document the choices, feelings and progression to the best of my ability, I will leave no mental stone unturned, if you are offended, disturbed or upset by graphic details of pain, illness and mental anguish I recommend you stop reading here and go back to your 'Good Book' of moral lies.
Today's pain level is a manageable 7/10, 4 days without sleep and 2 without food, caffeine and ibuprofen are friends of the day.
Psy
